


why didn't you come home (to me)?

by solicitors



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Homophobia, M/M, Slurs, identity crisis, learning your sexuality, way too much kissing to be healthy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-12
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-11-16 07:25:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18089978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/solicitors/pseuds/solicitors
Summary: Shouyou learns what it's like to love boys.





	why didn't you come home (to me)?

**Author's Note:**

> hi!! this is just a sad lil fic cus im a sad lil girl. angst is Heavy but there is a LOT OF FLUFF. angst needs to be balanced out with fluff and those r the facts.
> 
> the title is based off the song "laundry day" by joey pecoraro. the whole ~vibe~ of this fic is this song haha
> 
> WARNING: internalized homophobia, Straight up Homophobia, and the use of the f-word is present.

“Kageyama,” Shouyou says. “Kageyama,” he says again, because Kageyama isn’t paying attention.

“What,” Kageyama replies, a piece of pork curry stuck in between his two front teeth. Shouyou has the unbelievable urge to lick it away.

Shouyou looks away, trying to expel those thoughts away from his head. Kageyama is good-for-nothing. “Have you ever thought about kissing a boy?”

“You’re gay?”

“I’m not gay,” Shouyou says reflexively. He turns to look at Kageyama, who has a smear of pork curry on his forehead. What the hell. “I’m not gay,” he repeats, just to assure Kageyama. He isn’t. He has never thought about kissing a boy, not once. Not even the night prior when he wanted to, because he _hasn’t_.

“What do you think of gay people, Hinata?” Kageyama asks, almost serious. It’s hard to take him serious with pork curry on his forehead.

Shouyou thinks of the time he saw two men holding hands at the market. He asked his mom what that meant, and she said that they were outcasts. It made him uncomfortable and squirmy, almost like the sight of two men holding hands was atrocious. Maybe it was.

“Dunno,” Shouyou responds, reaching up to wipe Kageyama’s forehead. Swipe, swipe. There, now Shouyou doesn’t have to look at Kageyama’s stupid face anymore.

Kageyama finishes up his pork curry in one bite and makes a few obnoxious chewing sounds. Kageyama looks at the rice in Shouyou’s lunchbox. “Are you going to eat that?”

Shouyou hands the lunchbox and chopsticks to Kageyama without another word. He’s lost his appetite, anyway.

Kageyama finishes his lunch in silence. “I’m gay,” Kageyama says to Shouyou, and then hands off the empty lunchbox. “See you at practice, boke.” And then he walks off, without another word.

-

Gay. What does that mean? Is it as simple as that? Knowing that you like boys means you’re gay? Shouyou can’t be gay, because he thinks Kiyoko is beautiful and—well, he has a crush on Yachi, doesn’t he? So, he can’t be gay.

“Why aren’t there any gay people in Japan?” he asks his mom. He’s never seen one, except in that market a few years ago.

“It’s not exactly something you want to parade around.”

“Why’s that?”

His mom looks at him with a frown on her face. She has bags under her eyes, probably from him waking up at 4 in the morning. He gets his orange hair from his dad, but he hasn’t seen his dad in a long time. His mom doesn’t talk about it.

“Being gay is unnatural, Shouyou. Men like women and women like men. That’s just the way it is.”

“Oh,” Shouyou responds. Unnatural. Is Kageyama unnatural? “Okay.” He eats the rest of his dinner in silence while Natsu draws a picture on the table.

-

“Hey, Yama,” Shouyou says. Kageyama is unnatural. That’s what his mom told him. Liking boys is weird. Liking boys is weird when you’re a boy. Kageyama didn’t brush his hair this morning. Shouyou can tell because he has a cowlick sticking up at the top of his head. “You’re late.”

He’s not, not really. They arrive fifteen minutes ahead of everyone, anyway, but Kageyama is only ten minutes early today. He looks like he rolled off the wrong side of the bed.

“Hey,” Kageyama replies, and then grabs the top of Shouyou’s head and shakes it. Dumb, Kageyama is dumb. “I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night.”

Shouyou looks away. He didn’t either, but he was up all night thinking about Kageyama. And him kissing boys. And how it’s unnatural.

“Let’s go,” Shouyou decides, hoping to run away from what he’s feeling. Because he doesn’t understand.

-

Shouyou checks again. Incognito mode.

**am i gay quiz**

He’s never thought about kissing boys, so he isn’t gay. He’s just making sure, because he doesn’t want to be unnatural.

 **question 1.** Right now, what do you consider yourself? a) straight b) gay c) bisexual d) curious.

Straight. He can’t be curious because he’s never thought about kissing boys. And even if he _did_ —which he hasn’t—Kageyama barely counts as a human in the first place. But he has never thought about kissing Kageyama, anyway.

 **question 2.** Have you ever snuck a quick peek at a guy while changing? a) yes, for sure b) yes, i was curious c) that is disgusting d) no, but i wanted to.

He feels obligated to say that’s disgusting, and maybe it is. He hasn’t ever thought about kissing Kageyama, but he’s seen him take off his shirt to change. He’s long and lithe and… and… if he _did_ like boys, Shouyou would say he had a good body. So. And during truth or dare last year, Noya asked everyone how big their dick was. Shouyou neglected to respond, but Kageyama said seven inches erect, and Noya said that was big. So. It’s just curiosity at this point, and _everyone_ wants to know how big people are compared to themselves. That’s normal.

 **question 3.** You are currently in a relationship with a girl, but a guy says he is interested in you. What do you do? a) let him down easy and stay with the girl b) make fun of him c) i would never go out with a girl d) stay with the girl because you’re afraid of how people would react.

Shouyou begins to suspect that some of these questions are specifically designed to piss him off.

 **question 4.** Would you ever cheat on a guy with… a) girl b) guy c) i don’t even like girls d) cheating is immoral and wrong.

  1. That’s easy.



**question 5.** No girl will ever date you because you’re the shortest middle blocker. What do you do? a) i like boys b) maybe one day some girl will like me c) i’ll turn gay d) be alone forever.

 **question 6.** A boy tells you that he’s gay. What do you say? a) okay b) that’s gross and unnatural c) maybe i’m gay d) run away.

 **question 7.** How often do you think about kissing boys? a) every night b) never c) sometimes d) i’m in denial and i have never thought about a boy once.

Shouyou looks at his answer and turns off the computer. That’s enough internet for one night.

-

“Why are you staring at your food, Shouyou?” his mom asks him. Shouyou counts to five. “Shouyou, if you’re not hungry, I suggest you do your homework.”

So he gets up and goes to his room. His computer is still shut off from the previous night. Kageyama gave him weird looks all day during practice and class, so he can’t even remember what he learned in class, anyway.

His mom told him that the internet always tells lies. So. The results on the quiz can’t be correct. He won’t take another one, because that one will be incorrect, too. He’ll just pretend to do his homework, and he won’t think about Kageyama at all. Not at all.

-

“Hinata, where has your head been during practice? Kageyama keeps giving you tosses, but you keep missing them. I haven’t seen you this uncoordinated since first year.”

“Sorry, coach.”

“Get your head out of your ass.”

“Yes, coach.”

Kageyama gives him a look. Shouyou doesn’t have the energy to interpret it, so he’ll have to let it go. Maybe he can go to the nurse’s office and fake a cold to get sent home. He won’t have to see Kageyama during afternoon practice, then.

Does liking boys make you any less of a boy? Kageyama doesn’t seem any different after he told Shouyou he likes boys. Shouyou feels like it should make him uncomfortable that Kageyama likes boys, but it doesn’t. It would probably make his mom uncomfortable, though, and she would be mad. Adults seem to know everything, so. His mom knows a lot.

“What’s up with you?” Kageyama asks, buttoning up his shirt for school. If Shouyou dared to look, he would see the sliver of skin he has yet to button. But he won’t look. He’ll keep his head in his locker instead.

“Nothing,” Shouyou responds, and then realizes that Kageyama can’t hear him. So he takes his head out of his locker and looks at Kageyama’s collarbone instead of his eyes. He’s defined there too, of course. He’ll focus on the freckle on his neck, then. Bad idea. “Nothing,” Shouyou says again.

“Why can’t you even look at me in the eyes?” He looks around. “Is it because I told you I’m gay? Does that make you uncomfortable?”

He wants to say _yes_ , it’s because you told me you’re gay. But it doesn’t make me uncomfortable. It makes me squirm, it makes my ears turn red. I don’t know _why_. I don’t know why, Kageyama. I wish I knew, then I would tell you.

“I just have a cold. I’m going to the nurse.”

“Don’t tell me it’s because you’re a bigot.” Big-ot. “Don’t tell me you can’t be friends with me anymore.”

 _No, no_ , Shouyou wants to scream. “I’m not—I don’t… I don’t _care_ that you’re gay.” That’s untrue. Shouyou cares a lot, for reasons unspecified. “I just don’t feel well today, that’s all.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.” And then Shouyou walks away to the nurse’s office.

-

Marriage is legal for gay people in the United States of America. Shouyou knows this because he turned on his computer and searched it up.

He’s not sure why he cares. The United States of America seems pretty progressive.

-

“Are you feeling better?” Kageyama asks him, after pulling his hair in a way of greeting. He places his large hand on Shouyou’s forehead and feels for a second. Shouyou pretends like it isn’t happening. “Your head seems fine.”

“Yeah,” Shouyou says. “I think I’ll do better today and hit your tosses.”

Kageyama smiles, which makes it hard for Shouyou to think.

-

“Mom,” Shouyou says, sitting down next to his mother. “What happened to dad?”

She purses her lips, and then looks away. “Nothing. Nothing at all, Shouyou. He’s good-for-nothing. A good-for-nothing, is what he is.”

Okay, Shouyou thinks.

He gets up and walks to his room. On his bed is his phone, so he calls Kageyama. He calls Kageyama and he doesn’t know why. He’s never called Kageyama before.

“Hinata?” Kageyama asks, sounding groggy. Was he taking a nap? What the hell, honestly.

“How d'you know you were gay?”

“What?” Kageyama asks, sounding increasingly confused. “What the hell, boke. I was taking a nap.” What the hell. “Why do you care?”

“I don’t know,” Shouyou responds, because he doesn’t know. “I don’t know, Kageyama. I just care. So answer my question.”

“I’ve always known,” Kageyama replies. “I’ve always known that I like boys. Is that hard to believe?”

“You don’t like anyone.”

“I don’t like girls. I like boys.”

“How many gay people do you know?”

Kageyama sounds frustrated, which is not a good sound. “What? Do you think I know every gay person at school because I’m gay? You’re the only one I’ve told besides my family.”

Shouyou makes as choking noise. “What.”

“What.”

“I’m the only one?”

“Yes, boke,” Kageyama sounds exasperated, like he’s at wits-end. Maybe he is. Probably. “Just you.”

“Why?”

“Why? What a stupid question, Hinata. You’re basically my only friend, that’s why. And I thought you wouldn’t care, that’s why. But it seems like you do care.”

Shouyou stays silent for a moment. The _only_ one. He’s the only one that knows, out of everyone in the world, it’s just him. Maybe being gay is unnatural, but Kageyama is unnatural, too. So it’s normal for him, then. “I do care,” Shouyou elaborates. “I care a lot. But not for reasons you think. I’m just going through some stuff.”

“Stuff,” Kageyama repeats. “Okay, Hinata. If it’s fine then I’m fine. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“I like you just the way you are,” Shouyou says, suddenly. “Just the way you are. That’s it, Kageyama.” And then he hangs up.

Oh.

-

What does it mean to like both girls and boys? Does that make Shouyou any less valid? He doesn’t fit in either community. He’s too straight for the gay community and he’s too… something for the straight community. He’s stuck in the middle, looking out at Kageyama and everyone else while they walk around knowing their identity.

Kageyama hides his, maybe, but at least he knows that he likes boys. Shouyou stays up at night wondering what’s wrong with him, counting the glow-in-the-dark stars above his bed until his eyes shut. Kageyama is Kageyama, so him liking boys is nothing strange.

But Shouyou is himself, and he’s never liked a boy. He’s only ever liked girls, girls and girls and girls and Yachi and Kiyoko and Yui in his class. It’s never been a boy, it’s never been _Kageyama_. What’s it like, kissing a boy?

“Do you think you’re gay?”

“No.”

Kageyama huffs at the phone, setting a volleyball in the air before catching it. “You’ve never imagined kissing a boy?”

A pause. “No.”

“You’re lying.”

Shouyou grumbles and then kicks something. “I am _not_. I’m not lying. I’m not gay.”

“You don’t like boys at all?”

“Well,” Shouyou huffs, “that doesn’t make sense. I can’t like boys, I like girls. I like girls a lot.”

“You can like both boys and girls.”

Another pause. “No you can’t.”

“Shouyou, are you stupid?” _Shouyou_. That is new. “You can like both boys and girls. It’s easy. I like only boys, Noya likes only girls, and you like boys and girls. It’s as easy as that.”

Shouyou neglects to respond, and then Kageyama realizes that he hung up.

-

“Can you like boys and girls at the same time?”

“Sure you can.”

“In a romantic way.”

His mom gives him a look, a mix between apprehension and disappointment. Shouyou doesn’t know what his mom will say when she learns that he _thinks_ he likes Kageyama. In a romantic way. She might kick him out, or something. Probably. “Haven’t we talked about this, Shou? It’s unnatural. If you’re having any leanings, you just need to find the right woman. You’ll be fine and you’ll grow eventually.”

Okay.

Shouyou nods his head and walks away. His hand is twitching, but he doesn’t know why.

-

**is it normal to be gay?**

_Dear reader_ , if you are reading this, you are probably asking yourself if you are gay. Plenty of people throughout history have suffered through an identity crisis and asked themselves if it was normal to be gay. Rest assured that you are not alone in your journey.

**what does it mean when i’m a boy and i have a crush on a boy?**

_Dear reader,_ if you are a boy and you have a crush on a boy, you are experiencing homosexual attraction. Homosexual attraction is normal.

**can i like both boys and girls?**

_Dear reader_ , if you are experiencing attraction to both men and women, you are likely bisexual. This means you are attracted to males and females. Bisexuality is normal. If you are bisexual, you are neither gay nor straight, but you are valid. Bisexuality isn’t a rigid 50/50 scale when experiencing attraction, it could be 70/30 women and men, or 90/10 women and men. It doesn’t matter, as long as you are attracted to both sexes.

**i like the same sex but my mom doesn’t like that. what do i do?**

_Dear reader_ , your parents are known as _homophobic_ , meaning they don’t agree or dislike homosexual activity. This does not invalidate your sexuality whatsoever, you can still be attracted to the same sex while having homophobic parents. For your safety, you may have to hide a part of your identity in case your parents are violent. On the other hand, you can “come out of the closet” to them and hope they learn to accept and embrace you.

-

Internalized homophobia. That’s the word Shouyou learned yesterday while browsing gay forums. It means he doesn’t like who he is. It means he can’t cope.

Those are both true.

Kageyama is gay, but he doesn’t seem to be struggling with his identity. It’s all black and white for him, there is no grey. Kageyama doesn’t have the time or brain capacity to dwell on his identity, and who he likes, and what he likes, and how he likes.

Shouyou counts to three. One. Two. Three. This is how he copes. He can think about it for three seconds, but then he has to move on.

Maybe he has internalized homophobia, and maybe he doesn’t. It would be easier, Shouyou thinks, if his mom was more supportive. Instead, she pushes away things she doesn’t know. It’s not her fault, Shouyou knows, that she’s this way. It’s the only thing she knows.

One. Two. Three.

Kageyama gives him a look after practice while they’re walking to the street where they split to go home. “What are you afraid of?”

Shouyou wishes he knew.

-

“Was your mom supportive when you told her? What about your dad?”

“I live with my grandma.”

“Well, then. Stupid, what about your grandma?”

“Yes, she was supportive.”

-

Kageyama looks. And he looks. And he looks. And he doesn’t stop looking. Shouyou knows that he’s always looking. Kageyama knows that Shouyou knows, but Kageyama looks anyway. Probably just to piss Shouyou off. Maybe. Probably.

Shouyou has thought about kissing Kageyama. This is a fact. There’s no point denying it now. He has thought about kissing Kageyama over and over again, in his bed, on the ground, in the gym, in the locker room, in class, behind the cherry blossom by the courts, anywhere.

He images it like this: it’s the dead of night, and they have to be quiet lest they wake up his mom. Kageyama will kiss him, he’ll kiss him for so long that Shouyou will forget how to breathe. He’ll taste like boy and he’ll taste _wonderful_. It’ll be gross and sloppy and Shouyou will _love it_.

Kageyama is entirely a boy. He’s sweaty and gross and greasy and smells like volleyballs and sweat and he’s a boy. He runs around and fights Shouyou and he’s a _boy_ and Shouyou likes him. Like likes. Like like like like like like likes.

Maybe liking a boy is simple.

-

Shouyou stops asking his mom about gay people. His mom doesn’t like gay people, so by extension she doesn’t like Kageyama. Or himself. He’s not gay, but he likes boys. So his mom doesn’t like him.

It’s fine, then. His mom doesn’t bring it up, and neither does he. She can have her suspicions, but she hardly knows how to work a computer so there’s nothing she can prove. And he can bring Kageyama over under the guise of him being just a friend.

Maybe he’s just fooling around, maybe he’s just curious. But Kageyama is there, _under him_ , squirming. He can be fooling around, maybe, but he’ll never see a site quite like this one.

“You’re a good kisser,” Kageyama says, in between breaths. Shouyou smirks at that, it definitely boosts his ego. Maybe Kageyama doesn’t know what good kissing is like, but that doesn’t matter. All the girls Shouyou has been with have told him that he sucks at it. There’s always room for improvement.

Kageyama, though, is a good kisser. He knows how to draw out kisses, how to lick his tongue in Shouyou’s mouth. He can draw kisses from Shouyou like a spell, he can captivate Shouyou with his mouth for hours on end until he loses his breath. He’s strong and sturdy and a boy and Shouyou loves kissing him.

“I love,” Shouyou says, smacking his lips on Kageyama’s. “I love” _smack_ “kissing” _smack_ “you.”

“Mmmm,” Kageyama groans under his breath, wrapping his arms around Shouyou’s neck and pulling him further down. They’re chest to chest, hip to hip, leg to leg. “Mmmm, you kiss so well.”

Shouyou smiles, and kisses him even more. He leans into Kageyama’s mouth and sucks his bottom lip, letting his tongue poke out. Kageyama is making strange noises under his breath, but Shouyou likes them.

Then suddenly, _knock knock_.

Shouyou shoves himself off Kageyama and thuds to the floor, his hair a wild mess after Kageyama had messed it up with his hands. His lips are impossibly pink and his whole body is flushed with color. “Shit,” Shouyou breathes.

“Shouyou, open the door. Dinner is ready.”

Shouyou wipes his lips with his sleeve and attempts to fix his hair. He looks like a disaster. “We’ll come out in a second mom, we’re finishing up our game.”

Silence on the other side of the door. “Okay, hurry up.”

Shouyou spares a look at Kageyama, whose hair is sticking up like static and who has suspicious purple bruises on his neck. Shit.

-

Shouyou finds himself wondering if he even likes girls at all. He wonders while Kageyama is on top of him, shirtless, and attacking his lips with fury. Kageyama is hot. This is a fact. He is _incredibly_ hot, especially without a shirt on. Shouyou has been ogling him the moment he took off his shirt, and it’s taking all of his willpower not to trace every inch of skin on his chest with his tongue.

He might just do so, anyway.

Seventeen years of life without kissing a boy, and the first boy he kisses is his rival. Probably the most attractive boy at Karasuno. Probably the most attractive body ever known to man. He’s kissing _him_ , and Kageyama is kissing Shouyou back.

Life hits you fast when you have an identity crisis.

Kageyama is pushing and pulling at Shouyou. Sometimes he is like this, sometimes he gets too into kissing and he can’t contain his passion.

Shouyou loves it. He loves the way Kageyama nips and bites at his lips, he loves the way Kageyama _pushes_ his body. It’s distracting even with a shirt on.

Shouyou wishes he could kiss Kageyama anytime he wanted. At school, during class, during practice, before games, at dinner, in front of his family. But he can’t. He can’t kiss Kageyama anytime he wants because being a boy and liking a boy is _unnatural_. So he’ll kiss Kageyama here, in the privacy of his own room. He can kiss Kageyama as long as he likes, here. He can kiss him however he likes, too. He can give him a peck, or he can draw out kisses from Kageyama’s lips like molasses.

Everything here is his. Kageyama is his, too.

-

“I’m glad you’re over your funk, Hinata.”

“Thanks, coach. Me too.”

“You and Kageyama seem to be getting along quite well lately.”

A pause. “We’ve been practicing together outside of practice. He’s a good setter.”

-

Shouyou wants nothing more but to kiss Kageyama right now. He looks good, so good that Shouyou is starting to salivate like a pathetic dog. But everyone is _here_ , everyone is at their team dinner. So he’ll have to wait. He’ll wait.

He can’t completely stop himself, though, so Shouyou grabs Kageyama’s hand. That’s all. That’s enough for now, holding hands under the table. That’s enough.

-

“What’s that, Shou? You’ve got a bruise on yer neck!” Noya is saying, almost incomprehensible because he’s eating a popsicle and trying to shove off his jersey.

Shouyou feels himself heat impossibly red. He _told_ Kageyama that he couldn’t leave marks, but Kageyama sucks at listening to people, anyway. “I fell off my bike on the way to school,” Shouyou says, but it doesn’t sound at all convincing.

Tsukishima gives Shouyou a look. “I’ve never seen a bruise like that from a _bike fall_.”

“Well, you’ve never ridden a bike, so you don’t know what a bruise even looks like!” The comeback doesn’t hit very hard.

“What’s that, a love bite? Does Hinata have a girlfriend?!” Tanaka is enthusiastic, as always. He moves to take off his shirt in excitement.

“Keep the shirt on,” Tsukishima interjects.

“No girlfriend,” Shouyou says, and he feels kind-of confident. He doesn’t have a girlfriend.

“He doesn’t have a girlfriend,” Kageyama repeats, and all heads look over at him. Shouyou knows that he left a bruise on his hip bone the previous night, but luckily his shorts don’t ride too low to show it. That would be way too suspicious. Kageyama gives Shouyou a weird look. “He doesn’t have a girlfriend, because I would know if he did. He’s terrible at hiding stuff.”

Everyone seems satisfied with Kageyama’s answer, and Tanaka speaks up. “That sounds about right. I would be pissed if little Hinta here got a girlfriend before _I_ did! You know what—maybe I should text Kiyoko—”

“Don’t,” Narita says. “She’s busy doing college stuff.”

“How about you—!”

-

“I told you,” Shouyou whispers against Kageyama’s lips, his body trembling. “I told you not to leave marks. What would my mom say?”

Kageyama is keening, pushing his body against Shouyou’s fingertips. Kageyama’s room is not nearly cool enough for all of the body heat he is producing. “Maybe I wanted to leave marks,” Kageyama tells, almost smiling. He’s so beautiful, Shouyou thinks. He’s so beautiful and entirely mine. “Maybe I want everyone to know that I’m kissing _you_.”

Shouyou groans under his breath and kisses Kageyama. He’ll leave his lips purple for being so damn annoying. He’ll mark Kageyama up so _everyone_ knows that he’s taken. There, on his jaw. Under his adams apple. On his collarbone. Even further down, on his hip bone. And further and further and further.

It’s incredible, Shouyou thinks, how he has the most amazing setter in the world under his hands like putty. How he can stretch and push and mold him and make him whimper and keen. This is Kageyama Tobio, part of the under-19 Japan national team. And he’s in his bed, kissing him and holding him. Marking him up.

Maybe Shouyou doesn’t like boys. Maybe he only likes Kageyama.

-

“What happened to dad?”

“I told you to stop asking me about it.”

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

“Don’t I deserve to know?”

“No.”

-

They can’t go on dates in the traditional sense. So Shouyou will take Kageyama to the movies (he’s just a friend, mom. I’m not gay). They’ll watch an old movie that’s almost out of the box office because no one will be there to see it. They can kiss as much as they want, and they can be as loud as they want. They can eat popcorn and lick off the saltiness from their lips. Shouyou can hold Kageyama’s head and kiss and kiss and kiss and kiss him.

Is this what he was missing out on when he didn’t like boys? Kageyama has a little scruff on his face because he’s basically the antithesis of Shouyou, and it feels incredibly good to have that scruff rub on his face while they’re kissing. Girl’s faces are smooth and soft.

Kageyama is weird and unnatural and rough and he kisses so good. He kisses like a boy, and Shouyou is a boy, too. They both kiss like boys, which might make it weird—but it’s not. Not at all.

They can hold hands in the dark. Nobody is looking and nobody can see.

-

“I love you,” Shouyou whispers in the dark against Kageyama’s lips. In the dark, no one can hear or see them. It’s only them in their little bubble of boys.

“I love you, too,” he says back with no pause. There’s no question.

-

“He left me for another man, Shouyou.” A pause. Another pause. “Is that what you wanted to hear? He left me and you and Natsu to live with another _man_ . I wasn’t good enough for him so he left to live with another _man_!”

“Mom—”

“Do you know how humiliating that is? Having two children and a wife and still leaving to live with a man. Your father is gay, Shouyou.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I don’t want you to live with the shame of being related to someone gay. You know my dear friend from the Tanaka family—not your Tanaka, mind you, but a different one—has _two_ gay sons? Imagine having two gay people in your family! Imagine the shame, Shouyou. It’s hard even having one.”

“Okay.”

-

Shouyou combs his fingers through Kageyama’s hair. It’s a Saturday night. They don’t have much to do but lie on Kageyama’s bed and think. And Shouyou thinks. And he thinks and thinks.

“Are you okay?” Kageyama asks.

Shouyou neglects to respond. He doesn’t exactly know if he’s okay. On the one hand, he despises his dad for leaving him and Natsu with his mom. On the other hand, he despises his mom for being a… a bigot, like Kageyama said.

“Was your grandma always accepting?”

“She’s the one that told me I’m gay.”

Okay. Perhaps a bit different situation than the one Shouyou is in now.

His mom doesn’t know that he likes boys. Maybe she’ll never know, but he doesn’t want to hide such a pivotal part of him away. He doesn’t want to hide Kageyama anymore. He wants everyone to know that Kageyama is _his_ , and his entirely. Not a soul on the earth loves Shouyou the way Kageyama does.

“Do you ever feel like you’re hated for who you are? Something you can’t control?”

Kageyama shifts his weight. “Not anymore.”

-

“What is this?” The world stops. One. Two. Three. “Shouyou, answer me right now.”

“Nothing,” Shouyou insists. It sounds futile even in his own ears. “It’s just a bruise from biking, that’s all. I fell off my bike yesterday on my way to school.”

A look. One. Two. Three. “I have never seen a bike bruise like this. Answer the question, Shouyou. _Right_ now.”

“It’s from… a bike fall, mom,” he sounds incredibly meek and fragile. Maybe he is. Maybe liking a boy made him this way.

“I’ve checked your computer history, Shouyou. What is this, Shouyou? Are you gay? Are you gay, Shouyou? You think you’re gay, even after what your father did to me? Even after I told you? Shouyou, you’re not gay. You’re not.”

“Mom—”

“You’re not gay!” The kitchen cupboard rattles. “You are not. Stop seeing Kageyama immediately. Block his number on your phone. If you don’t, I’m going to pull you out of volleyball. Do it right now. Delete all of your pictures. I’m unplugging your computer. You are _grounded_ , you are not gay.”

Shouyou is shaking, and he knows he’s crying. He grabs his phone and blocks _Kageyama Tobio <3 _. He deletes the pictures of them kissing, hugging, holding hands. He deletes the sleepy picture of Kageyama he took the week prior when they had a sleepover. He grabs his laptop and clears his history and hands it off to his mom.

“I’m not gay.” A look. “I’m not. I’m not.”

“Okay, Shouyou. Okay.”

“Okay.”

“Clean your room.”

“Okay.”

“Do your homework.”

“Okay.”

-

“Why haven’t you responded to my texts? What the hell, Shouyou? We were supposed to go to dinner but you never even responded.”

Shouyou begins to shake. Liking a boy was not worth it. “We can’t see each other anymore.”

“Shouyou—”

“Call me Hinata, please.”

-

Shouyou writes in his school notebook: _I miss Kageyama_ , _I miss him so much_ . _Please come back to me, please please please please_.

He has to go home right after practice or his mom will get angry. He can’t hangout with boys on the weekend. His mom is making him go on a date with a cute family friend. She’s not Kageyama, not at all. She doesn’t kiss like Kageyama either, her face is smooth. She’s soft and nice and kisses softly. She doesn’t push or fight.

Shouyou curls up under his covers and remembers what it was like to kiss Kageyama. To be entirely his.

-

“I miss you,” he promises between Shouyou’s lips, his back against the school brick behind a cherry blossom tree. “You’re all I think about.”

Shouyou sighs. He told his mom that practice went late today. Only so he could be held against Kageyama for a mere thirty minutes. The best decision he has ever made.

“I’ll figure out a way,” Shouyou says. “I’ll figure out a way to get you back. I don’t care what my mom thinks.”

“Mmmm,” Kageyama groans, pushing Shouyou’s body harder against the brick. “I missed kissing you.”

Kageyama tastes like sweat and boy. It’s an amazing taste.

-

“Why haven’t you ever called me? Why haven’t you ever visited me?”

“Shouyou—”

“I’m all alone. I’m all alone, dad.”

“You know how your mother is. Once she gets the idea in her head that you’re gay, she’ll do anything to stop it. I’m sorry Shouyou, I wish I could help.”

“You _can_ , you _can_. Take me away, please. Take me away, take me away.”

“You know I can’t. You have to finish up secondary school. Your team is going to nationals again.”

“Please, dad. Please. I can’t take it any longer. She hates me. She hates who I am. She hates Kageyama. I can’t.”

-

“You don’t look happy, Shouyou.”

Shouyou gives his mom a look. “Really? I wonder why.”

“It’s for your own good.”

“It’s for _your_ own good. So you don’t have to live with the guilt of having a gay son. So you don’t have to live with the guilt of having a son who likes boys.”

“It’s not like that at all, Shouyou,” she’s crying. Shouyou doesn’t feel bad.

-

Spring tournament is the only place he feels secure. He can play volleyball with his team and win, and then he can go back to his hotel room and kiss Kageyama all he wants. He can kiss him for hours on end and he doesn’t have to worry about his mom.

Rumors have begun to spread about Shouyou and Kageyama. It doesn’t bother him as much as he thought it would. The main issue is his mom, but he’s learning to deal with her.

Shouyou knows what the word faggot means. He knows it’s demeaning, he knows it’s meant to bring him down. Shouyou is not _dumb_ , he knows what faggot means. The word faggot has slipped from people’s tongues, the word faggot has been brought up in conversations. Is he a faggot for liking a boy? Maybe he is.

It’s never brought up during team practice. It doesn’t need to be brought up. Kageyama and him are a pair… they play together, eat together, why would it be any different if they _are_ together? So what if they kiss? So what?

That’s just who Shouyou is: he has the capacity to love everyone and everything. Kageyama and boys are no different.

-

Liking boys, or liking Kageyama, doesn’t hinder Shouyou’s ability to play. Therefore, it’s okay on the court. It’s okay in his team. So what?

His mom fights him about it. So what? Take away my phone, Shouyou says. Take away my computer. You can’t take me out of volleyball club because I’ll show up every day anyway. You can’t take Kageyama away either, because I’ll be with him every day anyway.

He loves and hates his mom. She’s just trying to do what is right for Shouyou. Maybe she doesn’t understand how it works, maybe she thinks he’ll have a hard life because of it. He probably will. Shouyou learns that liking boys isn’t a choice. He’s always liked boys, and he will always like Kageyama.

That is just the way it is.

“I don’t understand why you’ve chosen this life,” his mom cries, tears running down her face. Shouyou maybe feels bad, but he doesn’t.

“It’s not a choice, mom. I just am. I like boys.”

“But you like girls, too! You like girls!”

“I like girls and boys. I can like both. I like Kageyama. There is no changing that.”

It’s difficult. Dancing around the subject of his sexuality with his mom, never bringing it up in conversations. Neglecting any conversations about his father. Shouyou wishes he could be straight, wishes that he didn’t like Kageyama. Only sometimes, though. Kageyama kisses those wishes away.

The culture in their school is “don’t ask, don’t tell”. That’s fine. It is pretty well known that Kageyama and Hinata are… very close. In ways most people will never know. That’s okay. Hinata has in his heart the ability to love everyone despite their flaws. Even his mom, who denies a part of him exists every single day. He can live with the slurs and the ignorance.

He’s better than this. He’s better than the people who watch him and Kageyama hold hands. There is nothing unnatural about liking a boy. He is a boy who loves a boy, and it isn’t weird.

-

“I want to talk.”

Shouyou looks up from his dinner. Dinners have been silent for the past few months. Natsu looks around and jumps off her chair, running away. Shouyou wonders what Natsu thinks of him.

“I have a lot of opinions,” his mother begins. This is true, she has plenty of opinions. “I grew up in a very conservative household with my mother and father. They were very strict and refused me to go outside unless it was for school. I didn’t even know the gay community existed when I married your father.” Her voice is shaking. Shouyou looks away. “I don’t understand, Shouyou.”

“You don’t have to.”

“Shouyou—”

“All I want is a mother who will love me despite me being gay. Being bisexual, whatever. That’s all I want.”

“I know,” she breathes. “I know I can always do better. I’ve been terrible to you, Shouyou. There is nothing you deserve less than a terrible mother. I _am_ trying my best, I’m trying to do my best by you and Natsu as a single mother. I don’t understand why your father left me for a man,” she cries. She begins to shake. “Is there something so terrible I did where he left me? Would I feel the same way if he left me for a woman? I don’t know, Shouyou.”

Shouyou gets up and walks to his mom. She’s shaking and shaking and shaking. “I’m sorry, mom.”

“Dear, it’s not your fault. You’re just the way you are. You are Hinata Shouyou, you love everyone despite their flaws. I love you for that, Hinata.”

“I know, mom.”

“There is…” she sniffles, “there is nothing wrong with you liking boys. I don’t understand why… but that doesn’t mean I have to.” She looks up at Shouyou and runs her fingers through his hair. “I will become better for you. I will. There is nothing more that I want than for you to be happy. That’s all I want. I’ll become better. I promise, Shouyou.”

Shouyou is crying too. He knows because he feels a tear splash on his shoulder. “Okay, mom,” he whispers. “Okay.”

“I love you, Shouyou.”

“I love you too, mom.”


End file.
